Powerless

"...we are powerless...we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You."

            2 Chronicles 20:12

I feel that I should first begin this post by saying that I have been working on this post for 6 hours now. Yes, my blogger has sat open that long. I have so much on my heart but my brain can not begin to put words together for me. I even had a post partial typed and erased it to begin again. That is how lost I feel today.

I decided to leave blogger open, knowing that I would come back to it soon and I began reading other websites. Its not important how I got there, but I came across a "Pastor's Reflections" on a church newsletter on their website and he referenced this verse. It says "...we are powerless...". That verse describes me perfectly today and I'm sure this week. BUT - it reminded me that I need to keep my eyes on God. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix it. I am just ... POWERLESS!

My heart is so empty. I long for just one more moment with my Grandma. I prayed on the way to the hospital the other day for her to hold on and wait for me to get there. I did not know that she was already in the arms of Jesus. I wish that I had known. Why didn't I know? Was I not paying attention? I woke up that morning thinking about my Grandma. I stood in the shower wondering who would sing at her funeral. Morbid, I know but I have no idea why that thought came over me. It scares me, it really does. My heart sunk when the phone rang not 10 minutes later and it was Dorinda. I knew something was wrong when Dorinda was calling me at 6:55 am.

I will forever remember how I felt as I said goodbye to her earthly body yesterday. I just stared at her, trying to take in every inch of her. I looked at her and remembered so many happy memories but my heart hurt so badly knowing that I can not make more memories with her. I did not want to leave her. Just wanted to sit there with her the whole time. I know I couldn't. I do chuckle though --- the funeral home told us that there is a side hidden pocket in Grandma's casket. They told us that we could put items in there if we wanted to. Now, I am not one for putting pictures and letters and whatnot in the casket. It is a little weird for me. But ... there are 2 things in there with my Grandma: a beautiful orchid corsage from my Nanny and a pack of juicy fruit gum. I know, that is a little weird, but..... juicy fruit was obviously Grandpa Dison's favorite gum. He even told Amanda one time that he had a tree that grew juicy fruit. So, the juicy fruit gum is not for Grandma but for Grandpa.

I have worried mainly for my Mom. She has taken care of my Grandma not just for the past 5 years when she got sick but ever since the day my Grandpa died - March 1976. I wrapped my arms around her at the hospital and told her that I promise to take as good of care of her that she did Grandma. She was incredible with her - and it was not an easy task. Not easy at all!

In talking with my Mom about the verse that I found, she told me her favorite verse and it is also a great one for us to think about in the coming weeks:

"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge..."

Psalm 91:4

We do have a peace about us and we are sure that Grandma is spending eternity with Jesus Christ. And just like my Dad and Bro. James said in her funeral yesterday - yes she loves us dearly but if given the option of coming back to earth to be with us, she would not come. She would rather stay where she is. So with that, no matter how powerless we feel, we will keep our eyes on God and know that he will cover us with his feathers and we will find refuge. 

~Randi