Finding a new normal

One year ago this week my life changed in a drastic way. A situation that I never expected to go through, especially as an adult. I think as a child, I noticed several friends going through a similar situation and was very thankful that I knew I would not go through this. Now, going through it, I think it would have been easier going through it as a child. Unknowing to the truth and pain.

My world was rocked the day that I found out my parents would be getting a divorce. How in the world was I supposed to process this piece of information that would now consume my every day thoughts.

A loving marriage that I had watched for 33 years, one that I had looked to as an example for my own was shattered into a million pieces. How would we ever put the pieces back together. There would never be enough glue.

How in the world would life go forward with this. It did not make any sense in my head. Christmas would be different. Birthdays would be uncomfortable. Lunch and dinner outings would cease to exist. I was assured that life would go as normal and that my boys would know no difference.

Yet I doubted that statement, a year later my sweet children remain innocent to the truth. I am not saying, by any means that it has been an easy year. It is just by the grace of God that we have successfully made it through the first year of finding a new normal. There have been many many bad days but we have had successful days as well. It is very hard as an adult to see and understand the hurt and pain my parents are enduring. The days of tears. The days of having to face the truth to friends who are clueless. The days of putting on that mask of happy when you are truthfully crumbling on the inside. The days that you do not have a bandaid big enough to wrap your heart and keep it from hurting.

The night I found out the truth was one of the hardest days ever in my life. I was devastated. Crushed. Went to bed with tears flowing from my eyes. Woke with red puffy eyes, yet certain that I had just experienced a nightmare in my dream. Certain that it wasn't true, until I noticed the left over cup on the kitchen counter from Noah's outing with Ree Ree and Uncle Jamie that night before. Reality hit me that morning that it wasn't a nightmare. It was the truth. I had no choice but face this. It kind of felt like someone had died and I would be forced to go on with life without them.

Nothing that I could say or do could fix this situation. My hurt and my anger would not solve the problem. A helpless feeling with no choices!

I have prayed and prayed for God to heal this situation. Instead he has given me the strength and power to wake up each morning. He has given me the ears to listen as both of my parents speak to me. He has given me to words to say to people who are unknowing of the situation.

I have clung to the verse Keith and I have chosen as our family verse (as I have posted it here before)
   
         Romans 9:17 "...I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."

God has brought us through every trial thus far and he will see us through this one as well. We will find a new normal. He will lead us and keep us from falling. When we feel like we are falling, he lifts us up. It is ok to have bad days. I pray that the bad days will be overseen by good days.

~Randi

Letting Go

Boy have I become bad at the blogging thing. And sadly it is something I love to do and want to do. Well, just know that because I have not written it here does not mean I have not been writing. I have been. I have a journal that I started writing in back in the summer when we started going through something very personal. I wanted to write and remember my feelings so that I could use it one day so I have been going there to do my writing. It's not because I have something to hide or don't want to share it, I'm just not there yet. 

If there is one thing through this storm that I have learned, we all have storms that we go through and hide from. I know that I am not the only one going through the same trials. People have been here before. But why do I choose to hide? Because I feel that I will be judged. I feel like if I hide, no one will know. No one will see. No one will know that I am crumbling on the inside. Instead, I put my big girl pants on and swallow to hide the pain. Truth be known, we all do that. We don't want everyone to know our biggest, darkest secrets. We feel as though there is a huge sign above our heads like a cartoon bubble or something that is blasting out our secrets. We try to run and hide from that. 

I have felt a tugging at my heart lately that it may be time to share the story. I'm not sure exactly how to do that but I know that God will reveal that in HIS time. I feel that we have a story that God will do great things with, and I am clinging to that. One that we can help change lives with. I feel like I keep hiding from this but I read another blog today that said something to the effect of "if you keep hiding from it, how will anyone ever know your story or where you came from." I know that was not her exact wording in her blog but that is exactly what I needed from her post. So true. How can I hope and pray that God will use our experience(s) to help other lives if we are not willing to share our path. 

Most of our "situations" revolve around a similar date of September 17th. That is the "dating anniversary" Keith and I always celebrated because that was our first date. A date very important to us in our first years together. Little did I know that date would mean so much more to us later. A friend told me that God may be using that date for a bible verse. I started looking up every 9:17 verse in the bible and Romans 9:17 was the verse for us! It says: "...I raised you up for this very purpose that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." There is was, a missing puzzle piece. This confirmed to me that I do need to let go of the fear of embarrassment, judgment, hate, anger, etc. etc. God has Keith and I going through storms so that HIS NAME would be proclaimed. Did I look at our situations of praise to God. Absolutely not! Many people do not praise his name during storms, sadly they do call out his name but not in praise! Many people question God through storms wondering why they go through the storms they do. Not gonna lie, I have asked MANY times why? But now I know, so that HIS NAME would be proclaimed. 

It will be difficult to face the truth in the light but I am excited for what may come of it. Maybe ways of council to ones going through similar trials, maybe through writing (I really do love it) and maybe through public speaking one day. I don't know. That is up to God to decide. But I know one thing, we are ready. Ready to face whatever God has in store for us. I said that several years ago when we started new journeys with closing our businesses and starting fresh. I said that when we decided to open our homes to foreign exchange students, I just had no clue what God really had in store for us. 

I am very thankful for all he has brought us through. He has helped us to discover love like no other. He has helped us to depend on each other when we didn't know what else to do. He has helped us to turn to him no matter what puddles or rivers we are walking through. He has blessed us with a beautiful little family that depends on us and that is exactly what we will do. 

~Randi